All I am Worth
by coolmarauders
Summary: A song. That is all I am worth. A melody, some words, they are all I have.' 'I am betrayed. How could she leave me' ' I just don't know.' 'I never get what I want' 'To fate and destiny I am something to be decided.'The ending is up now! By Prongs.
1. All I am Worth

Dislcaimer: I don't own the characters.

A song. That's all I'm good for. A melody, some words, they are all I have. All I will ever have.

I did fight away the nymphs. But first I nearly got killed. My one accomplishment. The only one I have, I can't tell anyone.

I'm not beautiful like Pippa. But she isn't beautiful anymore. She's corrupted. But her cries that I heard as she ran in her grief and anger… They haunt my dreams, taunting me, telling me I should have gone after her. But she was beautiful, and forced into a life she didn't want. Just like me.

I'm not clever and brave like Felicity. She knows what to do and how to do it. She gets what she wants. Always. Always, always, always gets what she wants. I never do. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, for having to go be a governess to my horrid cousins, but I don't care right now. I just want to drown myself in my comforts. I did fight away the nymphs. But first I nearly got killed. My one accomplishment. The only one I have, I can't tell anyone.

Gemma is powerful. I'm not. I don't have the power to go into the Realms, to get fine dresses, to do anything, except for what I am told.

I always do what I am told. I don't know any other way. If I don't, I'll be hurt. They'll slap me with their words, stinging mercilessly. And I flinch. I don't stand tall and courageous, bearing the pain. I cower back into my hole, my safe place.

_"I wish I were you, Ann." Pippa throws those cruel words at me, unaware of what they mean. She's away in a pool of her own sorrow. She should see how deep mine is._

_"Why on earth would you want to be me?" I ask, startled._

_"Because you don't have to worry about these things. You're not the sort of girl people are constantly fussing over so there's no room to breathe. No one wants you." No one wants me. It's the truth. My awful cousins sent me away so they can lord my debt to them over me. The girls all taunt me, and Tom, oh Tom, he wouldn't even look twice at me. _

_"You mean I don't stand out."_

_"Exactly." _

And I don't. Not like they do. Pippa is almost too lovely to bear, especially for me. Felicity snatches everyone's attention. Even those who don't know her. Her boldness attracts them like bees to honey. And I am vineagar. Gemma… it's her eyes. Her stunning, piercing, sparkling, unnatural emerald green eyes. But she was an outcast like me at first. Then the caves happened.

I'm the invisible, ugly girl- no, governess, who watches everyone live their life through an unbreakable window. The window looks delicate enough to shatter, but it defies you, remaining strong. Strong like Felicity. Strength. _They will take strength._ Beautiful like Pippa. _Beauty must pass. _Giving you hope like Gemma. _Lady Hope. _

While there is room for strength, beauty, and hope, there isn't enough for song. Not enough for a girl who must cut herself to feel something. To make sure she is still there. No room for a small, unnoticed bird whishing to fly up to the everlasting heavens.

Song, hope, strength, beauty. Three go together. One does not.

_I know this was rather short, but it felt really good when I was writing it. Tell me what you think, and be honest. Tell me your ideas about stories! Anything, just **review**! And I am not as desperate as I sound. Okay, I am for reviews, but not in everything else. Do you know that I have gotten TWO reviews for one chapter of my story that has thirteen chapters? If you like Tamora Pierce, check it out! The title is Goddess Bless._


	2. Betrayed

_Author's note: I just woke up, and I am writing. I REALLY am trying not to make these next chapters like Corrupted Beauty or Lady Strength. I actually don't think anyone has done one for Gemma yet. So I am truly sorry if this seems too much like Corrupted Beauty._

_The reason I put that there is that one reviewer asked me to do chapters for all the girls. I thought it was a good idea! So this one is Pippa, next, I think, will be Fee. _

Chapter 2: Betrayed

They betrayed me! They all did it. Fee said that I would stay! She promised me! She said we would stay together always. And then they tried to go to the Temple without me!

Gemma has always wanted the power for herself. She never wanted to share with us. If she had let Miss Moore give me the power, we could stay together! I might have forgiven her for leaving me!

How could she leave me? Gemma left me there in the river, drowning. She left me there to die! All she cares about is herself. That's all anyone cares about.

My parents just wanted money. They just wanted their _reputation_ to be intact. They couldn't have an epileptic daughter on their hands. They just wanted to be rid of me. They didn't stop to think what would happen if my husband actually found out. Or if I decided to tell them.

Nobody cared about me. Nobody except for Fee. And now she's left me too. It's not fair! Why did they all have to leave? Why? Why, why _why_? Gemma didn't even try to stop me from eating those berries! If she had I would- I would- I would be married to Mr. Bumble. She still should have stopped me!

She's always been jealous of me! I saw the way she looked at me after that Indian boy, Kartik looked at me! Just because I'm beautiful, and she's not doesn't mean she should have killed me! She likes Kartik, I know. It could be her downfall. Brought down by me. I will bring down the all-powerful Gemma. I will bring down the Most High.

Most High? Ha. She could never make the decisions. She would be weak. She would be the ruin of the Order. And at last the Winterlands will have the power. I will have the power. I must meet with Eugenia Spence. She will help me along to power. I will be the Queen of the Winterlands. No more being nice. No more trusting my so-called friends. I work not for them, but for myself.

Why should she be the leader of them? Gemma could no more lead a fly. And with help like _Ann._ She'll never make it. Never. Ann can't help. All she does is follow around anybody who is powerful. When we first went to the caves, she only did the sacrifice because Fee and I did it. If it had just been me, that never would have happened.

If we had never done that sacrifice, this whole thing never would have happened. We never would have gone back into the Realms. The assassin would never have come. I would still be alive. They wouldn't have left me in the river. The Runes of the Oracle wouldn't have been destroyed. They would be intact. We could have found someone who could have taught us. They never would have found the Temple. We never would have met Asha, or Philon, or the Gorgon, or the Nymphs. Miss Moore would still be Miss Moore.

It's all her fault. Gemma did this all to us. She was the one who brought Circe in. Circe was going to let me stay with Felicity, and Ann, and Gemma! How much longer could I have been able to stand Gemma? All of her arrogance, her- her pompousness. Everything about her I hate!

Why did Fee have to leave? We should have been together always. Our children would have been friends, we would have sent our daughters to Spence, we would see each other as much as possible. We should have been together. We shouldn't have been torn apart by this stupid, stupid magic. I wish we never would have formed this new Order. I wish Gemma had never come to Spence. I wish- I wish I was alive.

What a wonderous thing! To be alive! To go to the opera, to go to balls, to feel the snowflakes floating down on my cheeks! To feel the warmth of the crackling fire. I wish I was alive with all of my heart. Then I wouldn't be stuck here. I wouldn't have been betrayed. I want to look at all the young men, to gossip about who has done what. I want to dance again! I want to flirt and to bat my eyelashes and to lie about myself again. No. I don't want to lie about myself.

I wish I could have just told someone about my epilepsy. Maybe they would have loved me for who I was, not for my money, or my beauty. Maybe I would have found someone that was like my Knight. My champion.

But she ruined it all.

Now I will never have anything I wanted.

Now I will be Queen.

I will never be powerless again.

I won't be content to ride on the powers of others.

The sacrifice will be mine.

I will no longer be just a beauty.

I will never be betrayed again.

I will bring her down, once and for all.

_Yes, the last line, weird. But it seemed to fit. I need an answer. Should I do Kartik along with the girls? I think it might be a good idea. Or maybe Mary Dowd! Does that sound good to you? Tell me!_


	3. I Don't Know

**Disclaimer: I don't own this. The all-powerful Libba Bray does. All shall bow down to her.**

O Holy Bray 

_**The critics are raving madly**_

_**This is a fic of my dear devotion**_

_**Long lay fanfiction **_

_**Without Terrible Beauty**_

_**But now it's there, and my soul's felt its worth**_

_**A thrill of hope, fic authors are rejoicing**_

_**For yonder breaks a new and glorious story**_

_**Fall on your knees! O hear the critics voices!**_

_**O book divine! O book by Libba Bray!**_

_**O book divine! O book by Libba Bray!**_

_**Truly she taught us to shiver with terror**_

_**Her law is women and her women are powerful**_

_**Chains shall they break, for corsets are no longer**_

_**And in her name, all labels of chick lit will cease**_

_**Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we**_

_**Let within us praise Her Holy Name**_

_**Libba is the author, O praise her name forever  
Her pow'r and glory evermore proclaim**_

_**Her pow'r and glory evermore proclaim**_

**To the tune of "O Holy Night", a carol. We had to do it a lot in choir, and then in our concert. Well, it wasn't our song, but between choirs the whole audience and the choirs who weren't performing did carols. Now you understand. Hopefully. **

**I must admit. I lied. I said the next chapter would be Felicity, but it's Gemma. So there.**

I Don't Know 

_I'm in the Garden, looking at the blue sky dotted with clouds. It looks like a kitten, with paws too big for its body._

Suddenly, Kartik is beside me. I go close to him, closer than I should. His hand trails up to my neck, sending shivers down my spine. Unconquerable warmth has taken my body. His hand moves to my cheek, stroking it softly. I want it so badly.

"I can't change destiny," he whispers huskily, his mouth next to my ear. Images run through my head at top speed.

"Then why should you?" I find myself replying. Then his lips are on mine, sending that heat through my body, up and down. I kiss him back, not able to stop myself. His hands move to my waist, though my corset stops him from feeling my body. My white skin contrasts with his darkness. They are in his hair, tangled up there.

Shivers rack my body. I can't stop the feeling. We break apart. I close our bodies together again, taken up in this glorious moment. I can't break from him. It won't be like last time. He pulls away. Pippa is where he should be. She smiles viciously, her pointed teeth like daggers wanting to tear me limb from limb. Her eyes are worse. Her hair is wild and tangled, and something looks like it wants to ooze from her body.

"Come to me Gemma. Come to me," she whispers. Her voice is cracked and eerie. I start to run away.

"You can't escape Gemma! You can't escape what is meant to happen!" Those words echo all around me, bouncing off the trees, capturing the plants, and binding the flowers.

"You can't hide."

I wake up, drenched in sweat. Pippa is going to come for me. I know it. She wants me. I can't stop her. She will join up with Eugenia Spence and create an army of Dark Spirits. I know this will happen. I just don't know how I can stop it.

The sun is rising, blissfully unaware of the turmoil in another world. The light pinks, oranges, yellows, all cheerful and ready for another day. Does the sun not know of the slums, the poverty and violence in the world? People say the sun is encouraging, but to me, it's just another myth.

I don't know what to do about it though. I really don't know what to do. I know that Felicity and Ann want to go back to the realms, but I am scared to. I don't know what is going to be there. Spirits from the Winterlands could be there. She might have sent them.

I know that they want to go back, and they can't without me. Sometimes I feel like that is the only reason why they are friends with me, that if the Realms hadn't chosen me, we wouldn't be seeing each other. I would be an outcast. I would be like Ann. But I love the Realms. As much as I am scared of them, the garden gives me peace. It used to, at least. Now, I'm not so sure.

Another thing I am not sure of. When does the list end? Never.

Asha could help me though. Hopefully. The Untouchables could be my allies. I offered them hope. They should get a share of the magic. Ann would agree with me. She does know what it is like to be untouchable.

But Philon and the centaurs… I promised them too. If I don't give them a share of the magic, they could go with the Winterlands, against me.

There are too many choices. Too many for me to make alone. Oh right. The members of the Order are going to come for me and be angry about the new alliances I have founded. One more thing to worry about. One more thing I don't know what to do about. Great. Jolly good. Wonderful.

I wonder if I will ever see all the Realms have to offer. There's so much I don't know, and so much I need to know. I just hope I can learn them in time. I don't know how much time I actually have. I can only hope it's enough.

I wish Mother were here. She would help me. Then again, we would probably get into horrible arguments again. We even did in the Garden. But I know that she's not coming back. I know she won't, but I still want her. I never really knew her, only the life she wanted.

One more thing I don't know. One more mystery to solve. One more thing that should be in my mind somewhere. One more thing that I should know.

I want to know something. Anything, just anything that will help me in this war. This war that I don't want to fight. This war that could end badly. Or well.

I just don't know.

**Okay. I changed this. A lot. I didn't really like it at first, and then Maddycat said that she didn't really either, so I changed it. This seems more like Gemma I guess. Or at least more about Gemma and less about others. Hope you like it. **


	4. I Never Get What I Want

Disclaimer: I don't own Fee, or any other characters from either _A Great and Terrible Beauty_ or _Rebel Angels_. They are Libba Bray's creation, no matter how much I wish they were my own, or that I was one of them. Sigh.

Thank you to all my reviewers, and thank you to MaddyCat2000 for telling me that my first edition of my third chapter was terrible. I needed that!

* * *

I never get what I really want. Power. The Great Gemma Doyle gets all of it. None left for me.

I never had the power to stop my father from doing what he did. It wasn't his fault. It was mine. But at least I knew he loved me. If he hadn't loved me, why would he do those things? He had to have cherished some part of me, even if it was only the feeling of my pale freezing skin beneath his fingers.

I never had the power to get my mother to listen to me. She just wanted to go to parties, to frolic in the lies that are spun and woven at a grand ball. She just wanted to flirt her fears away, and when they caught up with her, she left. Some mother. Now she had Polly to pretend to care about.

I never had the power to keep Pippa alive. It was only Gemma, and what did she do? She left my best friend, my sister to die in a river of another world. She never cared about us, she only cared for herself and what her powers could get her. Now if Pip is corrupted, it's all her fault. Every single thing that happened is her fault.

If I had power, I could have stopped it. If that sacrifice had worked… If. That is what my whole life is made up of. If my father had loved me, if my mother hadn't gone away, if Polly hadn't come, if I had power, if Pippa hadn't died, if nobody had seen through our lie about Ann, if that stupid sacrifice had only worked.

As Gemma had warned us, if that sacrifice had worked, I would be bound to a dark spirit. Even if that were so, I would still have some power. I could have been a Queen of the Winterlands.

Queen Felicity.

Queen Strength.

But no, the All-Powerful Gemma Doyle had to stop us.

But the Huntress lied to us anyway. So maybe it wouldn't have worked after all, even if she hadn't lied.

I don't know what I am saying.

I don't want to ride on someone else's magic, I want my own. But I am too old. I wish I could turn back time, go back to my sixteenth birthday, and have a vision. What a life that would be.

I would have the power to do what I wanted. Maybe I would have been the one to bind the Temple. Maybe I would have been Most High.

My life has been made up of wants, wishes, ifs, and maybes. I have never gotten what I really wanted.

All I wanted was some power. But that's too much to ask, isn't it?


	5. The Dark Secret That I Hide

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.

This is the second to last chapter! I have most of the next one planned out, so it will be updated very very soon.

Thank you to all my reviewers. I wouldn't continue this story without you!

This one… is a bit more romantic. I mean, Kartik and Gemma, come on. So this is mostly about Kartik thinking about Gemma.

* * *

I don't know what I am worth. In the Rakshana, I was a way to kill the one they feared most. The one that could bring everything down. The one that could save everything.

To this new Order, I am an ally. I am one person from the enemy that could help them.

To fate and destiny I am something to be decided.

To Gemma… I do not know what I am.

I know what I want to be, but I know that the wish I have played out in my head so many times is futile. There is no hope in it happening.

But the way she feels. Her very scent is intoxicating. It is enough to make me want to throw off all my blankets of secrecy, to jump out from behind the rock of smoke and mirrors.

That Christmas kiss. It will live in my memory forever. The tension is the air was palpable and I needed to get rid of it. She felt it too, I know. When she tore herself away from me, she took my hopes with her too.

And that Simon Middleton. There is a part of me that rejoices at what she did. It leaps into the air, whooping and shouting, unable to keep the grin off of my face. Then there is another part of me that is sullen because it knows the truth. It knows that there will be someone else, someone safer, someone right, someone _English._

That is the very thing that keeps us apart. I know that if I were not Indian, and if I were rich and English and proper, there would be nothing keeping us apart.

Is that why she does this to me? For the risk and the thrill of it? Is that why she taunts me with her shining hair with the streaks of gold, her porcelain skin, her height, and her daring? Is she just along for the ride, ready to stop off when my ecstasy is too much and I go away with her?

No. I know the answer to that. She cannot help what I feel.

She will need my help. But how can I go into the Realms, when my former Brotherhood forbade me too? It will still bind me, I can feel it. Sometimes I am overcome with curiosity and dream about what could happen if she took me there. What wonderful times we would have without the chains of society.

I don't know what I am worth. I don't know why I would be worth anything. I am merely a plaything in this great wheel of destiny.

But her smile…

I don't know why she is worth all this pain.

I don't know what use I am with this new Order made of strange allies that I am not entirely sure we can trust. Philon and the centaurs. She promised them a share of the magic. If she does not give it to them, if she finds something that is unworthy, they will join the other side. And the Untouchables. Gemma thinks that we can trust them.

I don't know if we can. But then again, I have never met them. And from what I gather, they did hide the Temple.

I don't know what I can for this forbidden passion that I feel. It is like a dark secret I hide in a corner where no one can see it, but I still take it out to play when nobody is looking.

I wish it could be out in the open. I wish _I_ could be out in the open.

Maybe, back at Spence, I shall hide with the gypsies again. Maybe Gemma Doyle and her friends will come to visit Mother Elena again.

Maybe.


	6. Perhaps We Will Know

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters.

Well, this is the end of my dear little fanfiction. I will make another _A Great and Terrible Beauty/Rebel Angels_ story someday. Do not fear! But first, I command myself to go forth and finish some of my other stories that have no ending. Or middle. So farewell, dear reviewers! I hope we shall meet again!

I am sorry for that. I am watching _The Return of the King_.

I quite like this poem! Yes, it is a poem, but please read it! I especially like Felicity's part. I am sure you can tell who is doing which part, but if you are confused, let me know.

* * *

All I am worth

Is a single

Song

That flies out hard and fast

Unseen but heard

And I'll never sing

It the same

Way again

All I am worth

Is help

Though they

Betrayed me

Left me to drown

In that unforgiving river

And they hurt me

Left me for nothing

But I'll have my

Revenge

All I am worth

Is a way into the unknown

Worlds that are falling into danger from someone bent on revenge

They depend on me

Beg, whimper, plead

While clutching harder and harder

So they can get what

They want

But

I don't know

What to do about it

All I am worth

Is a way

For my father

To have his pleasure

Feel his fingers trace across the broad expanse

Of my snow white freezing skin

I will be robbed soon

Of even that

But I don't want the new victim

To be one

All the things I've wanted

I've been denied

Because it belongs

To another

But I wonder

What would have happened

If I had the power?

All I am worth

Is something I

Do not know

But I wish that I could be something to her

If I were different

If I were proper

If I were English

I would not conceal my passion in a

Dark corner that hides

My secret

But I take it out and marvel at it

At her

I don't what I am worth

Except a toy for fate and destiny

But I will follow them

Wherever they take me

Because you can't change that

All I am worth

Is something decided

By others

Not ourselves

Though our fate

May be our doom

And our worth

May be for evil

Though we may be lost

And alone and forgotten

Afraid and powerful

Beautiful and guilty

Helpful and passionate

We might know

What we are worth

By the end

Of our time


End file.
